You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
