Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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