god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
