I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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