I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
