So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize