Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
