im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
