at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
