you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
