bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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