We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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