I want to have your abortion
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
