I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize