the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
