How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
