Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
