I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
