Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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