Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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