in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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