I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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