woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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