i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
