You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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