I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
