Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
