Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize