Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize