Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Randomize
