He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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