Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
