dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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