Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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