she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
