I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
