I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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