he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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