I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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