i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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