I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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