so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
