im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize