My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
