remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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