The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
