What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize