thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
