i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
