All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
