Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
