I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
