OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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