He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
