I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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