Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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