I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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