Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
