I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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