So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
