if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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