I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
