im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
